Letter to the Editor

To: Ptolus Times
Letter to the Editor
From: Igbert (truename withheld)


Dear Editor:

Dude, you're whacked. I had the unfortunate experience of picking up a copy of your latest issue. The breadth and depth of your errors were so intense, I felt compelled to set your straight.

FIRSTLY - "Igbot" is not a mysterious name at all. Like all in my clan, his name starts with the honored prefix "Ig" granted to us by the 3rd king of the 1st gnomish empire after great grampa Ignitz fought and destroyed a rather snarly group of duergar single-handedly. (Dear readers, given this news, please do not start naming your children "Igbot" (or "Igbert" for that matter) en masse. Your bloodlines are not pure and you never know, you might get swarmed by a troop of name-cleansing igninjas someday).

SECONDLY - This cleric guy Bemmut (now THERE is a mysterious name - Cousin Igzar had a domesticated cave-pig named Bemmit (curiously similar) - whats a cleric doing with that name?) "might" have been the leader
of the party (who is all non-gnomes btw, I know) subsequent to Uncle Igbot's death - but he isn't now. And Banewarrens? Fah! That's not where we're going. We're going werewolf hunting (above ground thanks much) - any idea where I might find a lot of those? (in guard uniforms *cough* preferably).

THIRDLY - Dear half-elf, elf, and otherwise far too tall females. If you are really interested in attracting a gnome male (i.e., most of you) - try to look shorter. And you probably should learn to cook some gnomish dishes. And for heaven's sake - don't be so darn clingy that you MUST accompany gnomes on infiltration missions making more noise than a dwarf that dropped his beer. Sheesh.

Ig out

PS: If fear fills your heart from an unknown direction -- look down.